March 16, 2023
I have 2 dogs, a small, tan prairie dog named Moka, and Nala, a taller, lean, muscly, dark mix with a Pit Bull mug. Nala seems more menacing, but gets cuddly pretty quick, Moka is more selective, situational, and feisty.
Occasionally, they speak. Individually, and as one. And they’ve made it clear: they want in on this year’s bracket action, mano-a-mano, vs Dad (me).
I’ve never won a pool, mano-a-mano, mano-a-manyothermanos. I think this is the one.
The Dirty South
The Dogs
Losers: Arizona Wildcats, Princeton Tigers, Charleston Cougars, Missouri Tigers
Winner: NC State Wolfpack
Moka: All Cats suck. So many bird names … Blue Jays? Whose scared of a Blue Jay?
Nala: I ate a Blue Jay yesterday
Moka: That wasn’t a Blue Jay.
Nala: It tasted like a Blue Jay.
Moka: How would you know?
Nala: How would YOU?
Moka: It looked part of a dead squirrel.
Nala: It was a Blue Jay!
Dad: Awrite back on point, idiots! Why the Wolfpack?
Moka: I don’t really like Wolves, but at least they’re in the Family
Nala: I ate a Wolf once.
Dad
Losers: Alabama, Virginia, Maryland, West Virginia, Princeton
Winner: Creighton
Dad: Alabama loves thugs. West Virginia loves their kin. Virginia and Maryland waffled during the Civil War, bastards, and did you know a Terrapin is a form of turtle? Princeton is in New Jersey.
Creighton is Big East, and Nala lied about eating that Blue Jay, so I want to piss her off. Go Blue Jays!
Nala: Did not!
Dad: On to the East!
The Beasts of the East
Dogs
Losers: Kentucky Wildcats, Kansas Wildcats, Memphis Tigers, Texas Southern Tigers
Winner: Purdue Boilermakers
Dad: I’m sensing a theme here.
Moka: What? We’re smarter than you?
Nala: Yeah!
Dad, rolling eyes: No, I have no concerns about that. But you can’t just pick against all the cat teams.
Moka: Wildcats, Tigers, Cougars …. I’ve never seen the first, the 2nd looks stupid in stripes, and the 3rd are a synonym for horny middle-aged women.
Nala: I ate a horny Middle-aged woman once.
Moka: No you didn’t.
Dad: I did.
Dogs: Ewww!!!!
Dad: We digress. Why Purdue?
Dogs: Cuz after dealing with you, we need a good Boilermaker!!!
Dad: I get that. Onto my picks
Dad
Losers: Purdue, Florida Atlantic, Texas Southern, Tennessee, Louisiana, Kentucky, Memphis,
Oral Roberts
Winner: Kansas State
Dad: Purdue’s best player happened when Wilt visited Mongolia, but he’s not blessed with Wilt’s speed, they’ll get run on. Florida Atlantic, Texas Southern, Tennessee, Louisiana, Kentucky, and Memphis are in states that hate Queers, Blacks, Women, and Intelligence. Oral Roberts is named after a Christian guy whose first name is “Oral.”
Kansas State is a team of 2nd chance fighters with a Harlem Heart.
Nala: Ahm from Harlem
Moka: You’re from Alabama!
Nala: Were you there? Are you my mom? Were you “In the Room?”
Dad: I knew I shouldn’t have played that album.
Moka: Midwest, next!
The “Mid” Midwest
Dogs
Losers: Houston Cougars, Auburn Tigers, Pittsburgh Panthers, Penn State Nittany Lions
Winners: Drake Bulldogs
Moka: There’s more Cougars in this tournament than on match.com
Nala: I met my wife on match.com
Moka: You’re not married. You don’t even have a girlfriend.
Nala: If you were married, your husband or wife would look like a Bulldog. Not a Drake Bulldog, a real bulldog. Like that one I ate that time.
Moka: You’re an idiot.
Nala: You love bulldogs.
Dad: I’m getting my rifle.
Dad
Losers: I hate most of this bracket, as 15 of 16 are located in states I wish would hurry up and secede.
Winner: Colgate, I wish, as it’s the 1 out of 16 I’d like my kids to go to, but it’s gonna be the Longhorns.
Moka: Longhorns, as in “Longhorn Steakhouse?”
Nala: Hmmm. Steakkkkk.
Moka: I love steak
Nala: Dad, can we have steak?
Dad: No. You can have the final bracket.
West is Not Best
Dogs
Losers: Northwestern Wildcats, Arizona State Wildcats, Gonzaga Bulldogs
Winners: Connecticut Huskies, UNC Asheville Bulldogs
Tasty: Arizona Razorbacks, VCU Rams
Dad: Wait, who added “Tasty” as a category?
Nala: You mentioned the Longhorn Steakhouse.
Moka: Now Steak is all we can think about
Dad: Oh boy. And why hate the Gonzaga Bulldogs? They’re Dogs!
Moka: They frontin.’
Dad: What?
Nala: Callin’ themselves the “Zags.” They’re not with us Dawgs.
Moka: Word.
Dad: What you guys are Gang now?
Moka: Always were, son.
Nala: Word.
Dad: I don’t feed gang-bangers.
Moka, Nala: Ummm…..
Me
Losers: Gonzaga, Kansas. Arkansas.
Winners: UCLA, UConn
Dad: Gonzaga is made of guys that will be winning league championships in 3 years. At the Y. Kansas is soft, and Grady Dick. I always forget Arkansas when I recite the 50 states, because why would anyone remember it? Where is it? In general, this bracket is weaker than Rihanna’s half-time show.
Stay tuned for Results Update, and Sweet 16 “Dogs vs Dad” Bracket Challenge!
