April 12, 2023
Trae Bon? Peli-Cans? Lakers or Fakers? Which 2 Wolves swing up next? Shai Tea, anyone? Is Braids Jimmy as clutch as, ya know, pre-braids Jimmy? Whose braids look dumber, ADs, Jimmy’s, or D Russ’s? Who are their friends, and why don’t they tell them? What happened to Kyle Lowry? Why is Anthony Davis suddenly so annoying, or is not sudden? Can Anthony Edwards still dunk? Was that a chest punch Rudy Gobert threw, or an even greater man code violation?
And whose gonna win?
- Trae Bon? Yes. It’s time. Trae goes off. Celts get exposed.
- Braids Jimmy as clutch as Pre-Braids Jimmy? No. This team’s problem is not the Braids, it’s the Guards, but I’d trade the Braids first, anyway. Don’t worry about it, though, as the Heat aren’t actually in the Playoffs, and aren’t going to be after Friday. Because. Their Guards. Suck.
- What happened to Kyle Lowry? Apparently, he heard the question, and went off for 33 against the Birds last night. Can he bring it again, against his old mates, the likely winners of the soon-to-be-classic Raptors-Bulls play-in epic. (I’m lying. I’d rather watch Cow Mud Wrestling). The Tizzle says no, sorry Kyle.
- Can Anthony Edwards still dunk? Nobody cares. This team is just plain weird, and un-good, and KAT’s soft-ti-tude makes Jimmy Butler look right and legit tough, all at once. The punches were the most exciting thing they did all year, and they were pretty darn flaccid.
- We’ll get a taste of Shai Tea, but CJ doesn’t go out in the first play-in, and the Pelcis are ready to make a run. That will not make “Pelicans” any more threatening or cool, as a team name, than it is now, in fact, it’ll just sound dumber and dumber the further they get.
- Was that a punch Rudy threw? No. I won’t use the term here, but it’s worse than a Texas Tornado and rhymes with “witty wister”. No wonder Kyle was so mad.
- Lakers or Fakers? Fakers. Because the Peli-CANs, and will, even with Mt. Zion racing to Krispy Kreme instead of the hoop. This tired, strange edition of the Lakers is toast, and the men from the Easy are gonna help us turn the page.
- Whose got the dumbest braids? When they’re down, it’s Jimmy Butler, hands-down, he looks a Rastafarian woman that underwent (bad) conversion therapy. Up, it’s AD, because well, it just looks try-hardy and painful, and thereby, stupid. Their friends and family are not good people for letting them continue with this hairigami. D Russ pulls it off, but it makes him less scary as a ball-player: I don’t pick him at the playground unless I need some doobies.
So whose gonna win?
East: Play In, 2 v 7, 1 v 8
Hawks-Celtics. The Hawks have already locked up the 7th seed by whipping the Heat in Miami, and made them look little on the boards. They will bust up the Celtics. Shocked? Don’t be – the recipe of 2 wings, Horford’s jumpers, Smart’s defense, and doses of Crime Lord – isn’t getting better with age. Brogdon was a nice addition, but doesn’t change them. They didn’t transform.
Atlanta has another gear, and we see it now. Hawks in 6.
Raptors/Heat/Bulls-Bucks. We forget about the Raptors because they’re in Canada and their best players – Pascal, Fred, and Scotty – sound like a famous trio of traveling sommeliers whose commemorative cans would get get shot up by Kid Rock. They’re still better than the crappy, don’t-warrant-a-mention Bulls, and boring Heat, though no match for the brutes in Milwaukee.
Raptors Play-In, then Milwaukee in 5
West: Play In, 2 v 7, 1 v 8
Lakers-Grizzlies. The Lakers limped to the 7th seed, in OT, against a team that didn’t have a puncher’s chance. (Some set-ups are their own punchline). (Again.) They didn’t look good. Because they are not good. We’ll all be better off when we accept that Lebron is still the best player on that team, and declaring AD the guy, and giving him a cool fro, then braids, doesn’t make him that guy. Then what? D Russ, Austin, and Denis (“why am I always making this face”) Schroeder? Nah. The Griz have youth, depth, grit, talent, and Ja. Lebron guts one or two out, then it’s time to go watch Bronny do summer league
Griz in 6
Pelicans/Thunder/Wolves-Nuggets. Brandon Ingram will be the best player on the court, despite Shai being his tough self, and the Big Easy ‘Cans dispatch the Thunder in a close game.
The Wolves will come out swinging to stay alive, but nobody will duck: If Rudy punches Jonas Valančiūnas in the chest, Rudy’s arm will break in several places, and his kids and womenfolk will feel shame. If Jonas punches Rudy in the chest, Rudy will not survive, and we think Jonas gets to claim his kids and womenfolk. The Not Big, Not Bad, Wolves get sent home by the CJ, Brandon, and their guys.
Then the Nuggets and … the Nuggets are a sham. We’re sick of them. MJP isn’t doing anything that makes us think he’s got a playoff gear. The Nuggs still have no guards. Jokic trip dubs, a lot, and it’s a tough series. But despite their ridiculous, uncool, non-scary, bird name, the Pelicans score the upset, and take this one.
Pelicans Play In, then shock the Nuggets in 7
Next: 3 v 6, and 4 v 5!
