By Jack Aievoli
May 15, 2023
Let’s face it, Joe Biden is boring.
Putin, Xi. The Debt Ceiling. The Climate. Immigration.
Boring, real-life problems. Ewwww!
Let’s talk about the cool stuff: Stormy vs Don, a voluptuous, cleavage-y, jiggle-fest, and DeSantis vs. Mickey, a fight for the soul of Florida <ahem, yes, of course Florida has a soul.>
Ronnie is about as entertaining as snot, but the other 3 are loads of fun.
It all needs to be settled. Not in a court of law. They’re all rigged anyway.
No, not in court. In the ring.
Exclusively, brought to you by TheTizzle productions, the time is now, the place is here, ladies and children look away, gents keep it in your pants …. It’s Dominant Don and DeKilla DeSants vs. Mickey & the Storm!
Preliminary Press Conference
Don: “We can’t lose, I’ve never lost at anything. Ever. The only thing I’m bad at is losing. “
Ron: “We’re going to make headway each round, build points, get first downs, take what the defense gives us, not ice skate uphill, stay awake without being woke, comblabbity, combloobity….”
Don (cutting Ron off): You are so boring it’s melting my fake tan off. How could you be within 40 points of me?!! (turning to face Stormy). And I’m going to pin ol’ horsey-face in the first round!”
Stormy: “You better hope so, because lasting longer than the first round isn’t exactly your strong suit, tiny!”
Mickey, in his trademark falsetto: “Dang, dawg. She called you Tiny.”
DeSantis snickers.
Don, putting Ron in a headlock and giving him a nuggie: “DeSantis, you sanctimonious, in-grateful little shit!”
The two Republicans scrap as Melania and Casey and Secret Service dive into break it up.
Vivek Ramaswamy, pronounced ” Vivek AhmSmarmy”, from the crowd: “Kick his ass, bro.!!!” Lauren Boebert whips out her gun, and shoots it once in the air, ol’ west style, but the mayhem carries on unabated, cuz, you know, gunfire, whatever, right? (The bullet screams upwards into an apartment, through a TV showing an episode of “Gun Smoke, just when Cat was gonna get saved. An old man goes to bed in shock, not knowing if Cat’s gonna be all right. But that’s another story.
And we move onto the fight.
—————————————————————————————————————————-
Round 1 – DeKilla v Mickey
DeKilla slowly stalks the mouse, slowly, who, predictably, runs away, or slithers out once he’s caught: he’s a mouse. 2 minutes go by, but it feels like 80.
DeKilla is playing it safe. He should be crushing this Mouse.
Don: “C’mon, or ahm gonna call you ‘DeBoring DeSantis!’ Forget about woke, nobody’s even awake!”
DeSantis reaches into his back pocket, and rubs something on his fingers. Is that a Jello-O box?
Mickey attempts to slide away again as DeKilla advances, but this time, cannot escape the Florida Governor’s chubby grasp! It’s like, something sticky is clinging to him. Suddenly, Mickey is taking a beating!
Don: “He’s Pudding-Hands on him!”””
Ding Ding! The round is mercifully over. Mickey has taken a terrible beating, DeSantis’s breath is heavy and drawn.
Don: “You took too long to attack, DeDouche! Tag me in!”
The Storm looks over and slowly tags Mickey’s hand.
It’s time.
Round 2: Don v The Storm
Don storms forward, eyes down, grasping for every part of Stormy’s body.
Don, quietly: “I was just saying that mean stuff. I actually think you’re so hot …’
Stormy smiles. Don doesn’t see the hand flying in the air.
Smack!!!!! Yes, folks, she smacked him right in the face!
Don staggers back, stunned. Smack!!! It’s a left, this time, another smack! Don’s on his back, and she’s on him, this could end now!
But she wants blood! She’s now taking his head, pressing it into one massive breast while she holds the other like a mallet and wacks him! He should be unconscious! But he’s … smiling?
Don, through broken teeth: “Hmmm. Boobies.”
Wait no, what’s that? DeSantis has picked up a flagpole and oh! Oh no! He’s whacked Stormy squarely in the head, she’s on the mat, barely awake, certainly not fully woke! Mickey’s done! What a terrible turn of events for the Team Stormy!
Ding Ding!
The Storm will see Round 3, but for how long? It’s gonna take a miracle now.
Round 3: Does Woke Get Broke?
The Storm is brave, but as DeKilla waves the flagpole menacingly, Dominant reaches for his pinchers.
Don: “You know what’s coming!”
The crowd screams: “Grab’er. Grab’er! Grab’er”
The Storm hops away from DeKilla’s clumsy swing, slaps Trump again, then reaches into her robe, emerging with something golden, like a telescope only wider.
Yes! It is! It’s the U-Erect Stripper Pole by Matteltm! She’s planted it in the center of the ring!
She’s ballerina on the pole, moving like Spiderman! The plodding DeSantis wades in to grapple, but instead takes 3 quick boots to the face, and goes down. Never woke, now he’s not even awake.
The Storm turns to face Dominant, one hand on the pole, the other gesturing Don forward.
Don: “Wow, the old foot injury, I don’t know …”
A shot rings out, the metallic ping of a bullet’s ricochet of a metal pole, the cry of the Storm, not critical but winged, as Boebert slips the gun back into her holster, and hey, whatever, gun fire right? Big deal.
But now Don is moving in with the pinchers.
Don: “Hey my foot suddenly feels better. But what’s that stupid mouse doing? No …..!”
The Storm reaches desperately for the corner, and feels not a furry paw, but the soft hand of a woman. A woman in Bergman lingerie, wriggling out of a mouse suit. An angry woman.
A woman named E. Jean Carroll
Don: “No! She’s not even my type!”
He turns to run but E. Jean is too fast.
TheTizzle has never seen a man hit so many times so fast, so hard!
Don, looking at Ron: “Help me, you ingrateful, little meatball!”
Ron, opening one eye before closing it again: “Nah, I’m gonna stay unwoke for this one … <fake snore>”
And it’s over! He’s tapped out, folks, the Dominant is done!
Don, eyes blackened, through swollen lips: “It was rigged! She’s not even my type! I’ve never even ridden a horse! DeSantis, that f*cking clod, who could win with him???!!! Vice President???!! Of what, the rotary club? I hope he gets raped by a Drag Queen, ungrateful little bastard! And ….
The lights go down. Thankfully.
Queue Apollo Creed, Rocky I: “Ain’t no rematch. Ain’t no rematch.”